Single-hood, RIP

What men want...(n how to get it)

The answer is quite simple. But i am not gonna give that out in a platter yet. U'll have to take the pain of reading thru the entire post..or atleast a few sentences.

The other day a male friend of mine was cribbing about how misleading our statements are. We (ok..from now on, when i say 'we', i mean 'women' a.k.a the 'fairer sex') say things which tug at their heart strings....who am i kidding..we say things which turn them on... maybe not exactly physically..but in some emotional level atleast. Now, what are these kind of statements??? Here is a sampler

"Oh!! i feel as if i could talk to you about everything and anything...u understand me...soo...sooo...wonderfully and completely"

" being with u comes so naturally... i dont even feel the need to put on an act"

"u r such a cutie pie/ teddy bear/ cootchie wootchie / bablishkoochipum..."

" dont be sooo nice yaar... u r too sweet for your own good"

I generally try to explain this with 'the ladder theory'. Most part of ladder theory i think is disparaging towards women, but the '2 ladders for women Vs. 1 ladder for men' part is too real to be pooh-poohed away. No i didn't make this up, it was proposed by Dallas Lynn & Jared Whitson way back in 1994. If you don't believe me go google for your self.hmmph.

Ladder theory, among other things, says that men and women in course of their interaction with members of the opposite sex, place them in different positions of a psychological ladder. 

For men, there is just one ladder- the real ladder. The top positions would be the given to ones who men find really attractive,hot ....basically the ones for whom they would chew off their hand and leg to go to bed with. As u go down the ladder, the intensity of urge 'to have sex with' gets lower...and towards the bottom u find the less pretty/attractive ones... hmm...which basically leads to the conclusion that, regardless how great you are men place you in the ladder based on looks..looks..and looks. The second crieterion would be 'how good your chances are with her'.

Women on the other hand, have 2 ladders..the friends ladder and the real ladder. Based on certain crieteria, we put u on either of these 2 ladders..So if you find a girl telling these stuff with a real sincere look in her eyes and a quiver in her lips... you probably are pretty high up in the 'The Friends Ladder'. No hurt feelings, chances are that she probably doesn't see you that way.. Sorry guys, you are barking up the wrong ladder.

Ok..now..what's done is done..You r inadvertenly in the wrong ladder of your li'l Miss. Perfect. Now how do you do a long jump and land smartly on the other ladder without spraining your neck or breaking the rung? I'm gonna unabashedly spill the beans and become a traitor of my sisterhood... 3 Rules, if applied right which can save your day..

Rule 1: Be Scarce

Her fingernail broke?? Need a lift for the all girl outing?? She's bored and cant think of anything else to do... so just called up??? Oh come on.. dont be such a wussy.. remember the supply-demand curve from economics class??? Make yourself scarce. Say 'No'.. at times.. Dont always answer the phone on the second ring itself. Sometimes don't answer at all. (not when she is travelling alone n there is a psycho killer on prowl n she is trying to reach you!).

The moment she realizes that you r not going to be at her beck and call, she probably would start valuing your time and you a bit more than earlier. Scarcity thy name is appeal.

Rule 2: Bring out the green-eyed monstor

This has to be done in close conjunction with rule 1. Talk about other girls.. Ask her about her cute best friend. Flirt.. specially when she can see you doing that. (Pre-requisite: Get good at flirting, dont end up getting 'rolling eyes' or worst black eyes). 

If only i could count the number of times i've bought stuff i never wanted or needed, just coz there was another girl eyeing the same thing... 

Rule 3: Play the role

Want her as your girlfriend?? then treat her like one.. No more Perks & Munches passing off as chocolate. Pani puri n Vada Pav at the road stall isnt gourmet food exactly too. Make the moments special. You would know what makes her feel special...do it.  Kicks n punches n put-downs are what 5 yr old boys resort to when they like a girl. Grow up. No need to splurge all the time..Look at her (no! not the raised eye-brow look), give a compliment (and mean it!), be a gentle man.. 

Now for the disclaimers:

Know thy ladder - This is for those unfortunate souls who want to get their toehold in the real ladder. If you are already in the real one (and high up in that as well), above mentioned activities can result in you getting dumped.

Higher the better/worse - If you happen to be the '4am friend', the one she confides in, the one she calls up to soothe a broken heart...in short the comfortable but not so glamorous 'old shoe'... well...you my friend are in a dicey situation.. There is no surety for what would happen next. She could be as comfortable with you as she is with her (the dreaded word) 'brother' n might not be able to even picture you in anyother way.. orrrrr.... she is a real soft target for your ulterior motives. Depends on how you play the game, mate!

Be in Character - whatever you do, make it believable.. If you r the silent, shy type.. dont turn into Johnny Bravo overnight. But at the same time when u take an effort, make her notice it...subtle-ly.

For this immense help and guidance to the clueless part of human race... you can show your gratitude by sending the appreciation letters pinned to 1000 buck notes. For the complete address, just leave a comment :)

Jobs your Landlords/ladys wont understand..

Some of you might have seen this ad for MTV "on Jobs2" (ya..i had too much time on my hands and a tv at my disposal in hotel room)..well the tag line is 'jobs your parents wont understand'...the ad shows a heart-broken mom crying clutching a bottle of liquor which she found from her daughter's room.. and a baffled daughter trying to say she is a bartender..

well..i think my job should feature there..not as one that 'parents dont understand'...but 'jobs that potential landlords dont understand'... here goes a sample conversation when i am trying to get details abt their apartment..

me: acha bhayya.. kiraya kitna hai??

ll(land lord) : pehle yeh batao..aap kaam kahan pe karti hain?

me (i switch to english coz my hindi vocab doesnt support my job description) : i work with "people interactive"

ll: pepaall..intraaa.....??? kya??

me: inter active...activee.....

ll: acha..acha.. kya kaam hain?

me: i am the asst. product manager there.

ll: matlab?? kya kaam hain??

me: bhaisaab..yeh shaadi.com, makaan.com is sab ka parent company hain.. and i am in charge of shaadi.com.

ll: achaa..achaa... shaadi karvate hain kyaa..achchi baat hain.. meri ek behen hi beti hain.. Computer shamputer kar rahi hain..

me (jumping in): NOOO..noo..not that kind.. i dont arrange marriages.

ll (quizzical look): toh phir??? mandap sajaane ka kaam karte hain kya?

me: no..it is analytics. and market research.

ll: arrreeeyyy..kaam kyaa hain?

me: i..i look at data and say which segments are more profitable. where to put an extra push on. or which offer to give. or what are the relevant search parameter. how i can optimize the product..and do focus groups..and some internal marketing ..you know..

ll: yeh hui naa baat. (turns to the broker and asks) kuch samjhe???

That place did not work. It seemed that the owner was more concerned with the amount of water I use than the deposit amount or rent.. he wanted to how many buckets of water I used for my morning ablutions & bath. How often I took a head-bath. I started wondering if he would kick me outta the home if I happened to have a runny tummy. Dejected..and frustrated me and moi property broker try our luck at the next place. But this time, the broker chap told me to keep mum on the job issue and he will handle it in his way.


ll: kaam??

bc (broker chap): haan..haan..karti hain..

ll: woh toh samaj mein aaya..lekin kahaan??

bc: company mein.

ll: arey bhai..woh bhi pata hain..kaunsi company??

bc: badi company hain? dus barah lakh milti hain?

ll(very curious now): woh kaunsi company hain??

bc: peepal intraa

ll: koi bpo vpo hain kya?

bc: aisa hi samaj lijiye.. (and i sigh deeply in the background)

well..that place too did not suit the budget. It had a bedroom with A/c, fridge, washing machine, & a TV for 15000 bucks…that is if I don’t use the aforesaid facilities. For each of the equipment I use, the rent increases by 1500-3000 bucks. Well… bollocks…my dad is no Ambani.

I just wanted the ‘third time lucky’ so badly that I had devised a strategy which would fit like a glove. Off we went to the third place…

ll: kaam ?

me: bank mein manager.


ll: bhadiya...

and so i got a place to live ..phew.

Just the way I am

"I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't then why would I say I am
I dont know it's just the way I am"

...or so goes a song from Eminem.. and why suddenly the introspection and quest for self realization?? it's testimonial time durin the farewell phase of my MBA life in IIT.

anyone could write about anyone...and that could get printed in the year book. i wrote about a few - sarcastic, dry lines.. and some wrote about me...i wont go into who wrote what..coz i dont know all. names were withheld, but some i could guess. and some could have been anyone. what i liked was the intense contrast in the judgement..

for some ..i was hardworking.. the one who stays up till wee hours of morning, trying to be the perfectionist.. and for some, i could have reached heights if not for my laziness. I fail to see the common ground. for some..

and then there was the usual dancing, drawing - creative stuff. As the adage goes 'in the land of blind, the one eyed is the king'.. applicants to MBA program were not chosen for their artistic ability, and i happened to doodle more than i write notes in classes. my dreary and bleak hostel walls, combined with my intense boredom made them a good canvas to draw whatever i fancied... the end effect - it looks like a painting exhibition and i probably would have repaint the entire room before i hand over my keys.

Petty digression aside... what would your friends say, if they have been asked about you?? in a very candid, bare-all interview.. it could be an anonymous judgement.. what do they truly think of you?

Do they think that you are a pleasure to be with? or you are just lost in your own world..oblivious to everything?
Are you the eternal Miss/Mr. Sunshine?? or do they have to watch out for the mood tantrums?
Are you conscientious to the core so much that it is a pain?? or are u the unscrupulous kind when the situation so favors??
Do you encourage others..your loved ones..when they venture into new horizons?? or are you the anchor which weighs them down..ever critical..always the cynic?
Does any of your adjudicators see beyond the shell that you might have purposefully or inadvertently created? or are they just not bothered?
Does any one of them wish that they could preserve the memories in small bottles like perfumes...and smell it when they want to relive the moments??
Are you respected for what you are ?? or what you believe in??

.... and going back to what i started with..
are u whatever they say you are??